The 7 Stages of Grief

The 7 stages of grief and the 5 stages of grief models are both based on the Kubler-Ross stages of grief. In her pioneering work with dying patients Kubler-Ross identified 5 stages that a dying person may go through when he knows or suspects he is dying.

You may feel all, none or some of these emotions when coping when your loss. While it may feel comforting to know about the 7 stages of grief, they can also result in more pain. If we use the stages to judge our actions and feelings or the actions and feelings of others, we can do great harm.

The range of emotions and reactions to signifcant loss is endless. To confine our acceptable reactions to the 7 stages of grief or to measure our progress against this scale, is unfair to our uniqueness as individuals and the uniqueness of our loss.

The Grief Recovery process allows us to step outside the box. You are no longer focused on identifying or measuring your progress against the stages. You are focused on taking step-by-step action to heal your heart.

Here are the 7 stages of grief:

Stage1: Shock/Disbelief

Shock and disbelief usually occur in the first minutes and hours of our losses. We may feel a sense of disconnect from the rest of world. This sense of being "out of this world" is the way our minds protect us from the overwhelming awareness of what has happened. This stage is usually brief.

Stage 2: Denial

Denial is a buffer or temporary defense against the overwhelming emotions we feel when faced with a significant loss. It gives us the space to prepare ourselves to absorb more information and begin using our coping tools. Our minds and bodies can only endure the stress of grieving for a period of time until we need to rest. Denial gives our minds that much needed rest.

Stage 3: Anger

Anger is our response to the unfairness of a loss. We may feel anger and envy toward other people who have what we have lost or are unaware of our loss. We may also feel anger at God, society or the government. Anger is our grief turned outward.

Stage 4: Bargaining

When engaged in the bargaining stage, you may find yourself reviewing the time that led up to your loss and thinking about what you might have done differently. We think of all the "what-ifs" and hold ourselves to an impossible standard as if we should have prevented what happened. This is a sort of retroactive bargaining, where we think if only we had made a different choice we could have avoided our loss.

Stage 5: Guilt

Guilt marks the stage where we begin to turn our feelings inward and against ourselves. As we struggle for control in the face of an uncontrollable event, we may feel guilty about elements of loss even in the face of clear evidence that the circumstances are and were out of your influence.

Stage 6: Depression

In stage four, we start moving toward accepting our loss. In this context, depression does not mean clinical depression but a deep sadness. It brings with it an awareness of what you have lost, that life has changed and will never be the same.

Stage 7: Acceptance/Hope

Acceptance is living in your new reality without your loved one, without your former job or your former spouse. Honoring the memory of what was good about your former reality while fully engaged in the present.

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