The  5 Stages of Grief

The 5 stages of grief make it sound as if grieving is orderly.  You know that grief is a time of disorder. It may be more helpful to think of the 5 stages of grief as the different faces of loss, showing themselves to us when we are ready. The 5 stages of grief may appear in any order.  You may find yourself moving back and forth along all the stages from one day to the next.

The five stages of grief are the result of the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross M.D. with terminally ill patients. Her book "On Death and Dying" revolutionalized the way dying patients were cared for and thought of by medical personal. In many books on grieving, experts refer to the 7 stages of grief.  

In her book, Kubler-Ross identifies these stages of grief:

Stage 1: Denial

Denial is a buffer or temporary defense against the overwhelming emotions we feel when faced with a significant loss.  It gives us the space to prepare ourselves to absorb more information and begin using our coping tools.  Our minds and bodies can only endure the stress of grieving for a period of time until we need to rest. Denial gives our minds that much needed rest.

Stage 2: Anger

Anger is our response to the unfairness of a loss.  We may feel anger and envy toward other people who have what we have lost or are unaware of our loss. We may also feel anger at God, society or the government. Anger is our grief turned outward.

Stage 3: Bargaining

When engaged in the bargaining stage, you may find yourself reviewing the time that led up to your loss and thinking about what you might have done differently.  We think of all the "what-ifs" and hold ourselves to an impossible standard as if we should have prevented what happened. This is a sort of retroactive bargaining, where we think if only we had made a different choice we could have avoided our loss.

Stage 4: Depression

In stage four, we start moving toward accepting our loss. In this context,depression does not mean clinical depression but a deep sadness.  It brings with it an awareness of what you have lost, that life has changed and will never be the same.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Acceptance is living in your new reality without your loved one, without your former job or your former spouse.   Honoring the memory of what was good about your former reality while fully engaged in the present.

Return to the Grief to Healing.com Home Page